Day #58 – Setting boundaries and acceptance.

Just like the song goes, “breaking up is hard to do” and I’m sure a lot can relate to just how much of a turmoil it is to go through one. I’ve read like dozens of articles on how to get thru it but nothing beats personal experience I guess. But if there’s one common advise that I took to heart, it’s about blogging my thoughts so I could express them. I want to be able to move on now and I am looking forward to the day that I can look back and smile or maybe laugh off what I’ve been through. I am taking it one day at a time and focusing on positive things. I am tired of keeping all the anger bottled inside me, I am letting it go and accept that once a cheater, will always be a cheater. It was not like there was something I could have done to change things, no matter what I would have done, he would always cheat because it’s what he does. It doesn’t matter if he’s got a baby now, he will never change unless it was something that he wanted to do. I have come to accept that, I just have to make sure that I raise his son a better person. So after all those reading, I stumbled into Lisa Steadman’s tips and I know I am on the right track. So here are the things that I always keep in mind:

Create new boundaries. It was so freaking hard to emotionally stay detached when you have a child. It would have been easier if we didn’t have to communicate anymore. When we broke up, I was so mad at him that I blocked his Facebook account. And when my anger settled down, I unblocked him and started stalking his account. It was very difficult coz we had to go through Xavier’s baptism and birthday with all these anger and pain between us. I didn’t know how to make sense of things. And then when posted photos of him and the second cousin on his social media accounts and realized that he has blocked me from his Facebook and Instagram accounts, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I realized that I was the pathetic one coz deep inside me I still had this small sign of hope that we could fix things between us. Realization dawned on me that since he blocked me from his social media accounts, he also does not want to see pictures of his son. So I had face the reality that he has moved on with her and left me with his son. I eventually blocked him on all my social media accounts and instant messaging apps – except for just one so he could communicate with his son. He started communicating with me again after he boarded his vessel, at first we communicated like several times in a day about Xavier. When he started asking about my personal life I shut him out, but eventually I realized that we don’t really have to keep communicating even if all we talk about is Xavier. It’s just going to delay my emotional detachment from him all the more, so I made sure that if he sends me emails, it goes unread and I won’t get a notification about it. I am proud of myself that I have stood firm on my new boundaries that I will not allow him into my personal life and I will not ask about his personal life too, everything is all about Xavier’s only. If he video calls, I only have the nanny and Xavier talk to him.

No online ex bashing. I did so much of this when I was so angry. But I don’t do it now, I am letting go of all the anger and just letting God do His thing. I guess, it’s also because I have accepted that it was not something that was beyond my control that the anger has slowly gone. I realized that after 3 years of living together, there were more than half a dozen girls that he cheated on me with and when I look back at his previous relationships, he had girlfriends who were better, sexier and smarter than me but those ended too because he cheated on them. So no more online bashing, coz it’s not going to change anything.

Follow the six month rule. I know it’s only been 58 days, but I am getting there. Family (Pa, Ma and even Xavier’s nanny), friends and work helped a lot. I am not going to deny that I still dream about him and there are still nights when I look back and ask myself why things fucked up between us and that I look at my son sometimes and I could not help but cry. But it’s slowly getting easier day by day, it’s starting to hurt less and less. Everytime I look back, I always keep in mind that it was something beyond my control. I’d keep repeating to myself the lessons I learned from all these. I don’t know what tomorrow or the next weeks or months may bring but I know I have to heal and move on. In the throes of my post-breakup angst, I know this is what’s best for me and my son.

Letting go of all the anger, pain and hatred, I know I am on the right track to healing, moving on, and eventually finding inner peace and raising my son to be a better person.

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