If your boyfriend cheated on you, the first question that probably popped into your mind is, “why did he cheat?” You might have asked yourself that question countless times taking into consideration that it might have been something that you did that caused him to cheat and maybe, just maybe, if you know the reasons why it happened you can keep it from happening again or relieve the intense sense of betrayal that you are feeling.
The sad truth is, knowing the “why” won’t keep it from happening again nor will it lessen the the pain you’re feeling. But why? Because you’re not a cheater and you will never understand how their mind works. If you respected the boundaries of your relationship, it is likely that you will never fully be able to comprehend he cheated on you. The reality is that you can’t control what he does by understanding “why” the he cheats. And understanding “why” won’t lessen the pain over his betrayal.
The reason the he cheats is because he has an internal character flaw that keeps him from being able to exert self-control. He functions on the mistaken notion that going outside his relationship will solve problems in the relationship or fulfill his needs in some way.
The guys I’ve known who cheated had poor impulse control; they allowed their emotions to dictate their behaviors. They gave into their weaknesses instead of identifying them and trying to improve on them. These guys, when faced with relationship problems or stresses in life, aren’t able to look at a negative situation and envision a positive solution. Instead of seeing their infidelity as contributing to or worsening their problems, they use infidelity as a distraction to keep from dealing with their problems.
Unlike you, he isn’t worried about “why” he betrays, his concern is replacing his problems with a distraction. In other words, he will sell you and his relationship short if it means him not having to admit to having a problem and investing time, ego and energy into figuring out how to deal with the problem.
Five common reasons guys cheat:
1. Some guys cheat because they are not getting their needs met inside the relationship. They are under the skewed belief that cheating is justifiable if their needs are not met in the relationship. They get their “needs” met, their relationship stays intact and they delude themselves into believing that as long as you don’t know, no one is being harmed. Relationship problem solved, in their mind.
2. Some guys have no respect for boundaries. They know that with relationship comes certain sexual boundaries. But, they have little guilt when it comes to stepping over those boundaries. The more you try to explain to him that he should treat you with love and respect, the more you devalue yourself in his eyes. And, the more likely he is to cheat again and again and again.
3. Some guys like the thrill of having something extra on the side. They don’t know how to pass up an opportunity to get a little “thrill.” The act of cheating has more to do with the fact that cheating is taboo than the actual act of sex.
4. Some guys think they are not real men if they turn down a sexual invitation. They define their “manhood” by how attractive they are to the opposite sex. The more attention and propositions they get, the more manly they feel. These guys are bankrupt in the self-esteem department.
5. Some cheat because they are hiding a secret. For example, he may be bisexual and hasn’t disclosed this information to you. He may love you and want to keep the relationship intact but will get his sexual needs met from someone else.
Whatever the reason, he owns it. I don’t believe in being a victim and I don’t believe in taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. When you ask yourself “why” or put time into understanding the reasons, you are setting yourself up for taking responsibility for a problem that is his.
If your boyfriend has cheated and tries to tell you it was because there were problems in the relationship, remind him that you were living in the same troubled relationship and chose not to cheat. A choice he could have made himself. A choice he is responsible for, not you.
Original post on Five Reasons Men Cheat.